Miserable.

It all started Last Saturday, for a bit of "segway", watch Breaking Dawn Part 1 it's really good. I cried a lot during the movie, Bella's dad Charlie was the greatest! At least, watching my favorite movie wasn't a waste of time. And because of what I am currently going through, I wanted to watch the movie over and over again just to get my mind off things. Well anyway, after watching the movie with my mom, I went to Kid's place, a friend of mine from CFAD who graduated last school year. His birthday was on the 21st, but he celebrated earlier. After all the talks and drinks, Paola and Roy dropped me off at home even though they were really out of the way. Hihi. Before I got out, babe Paola said that I should save myself. I should save myself from being miserable as what, most of us think, Alvin has become nowadays.

At Sunday morning, around 4am Alvin and I texted but he wasn't that mad, then I fell asleep but when I woke up at lunchtime, he texted me and said bad words. Then he said that his life was miserable when I was his girlfriend. And that he failed his subjects because of me. And because of that, he learned his lesson not to ever go back to me. At first I was shocked. And then pain came in. The usual "Rae" would have argued with him, would have gotten angry, would have told him things that I know I will regret at some later time. But during those moments, I was the Rae I promised him that I can be. I accepted it. Everything. I said sorry. I told him that I don't want to go on knowing that I didn't have an impact on his life, that I meant absolutely nothing to him. He answered, "I don't love you. I don't." if I was sarcastic, because I was trying to deny it, but I still said, "I know. that's why we're here." I don't know what has gotten into him, he still replied and said "Wala akong feelings sayo. Wala lahat. Baka kasi umaasa ka pa kahit matagal ko nang sinabing wag na." I answered him, "Again, I know. that's why we're here now. And even if you lied to me about your feelings before kahit nung tayo pa, it doesnt matter. I can never get mad at you. I can only wish for your happiness. Goodbye Alvin." He answered, "Goodbye." I hate to admit it, and it sounds so emo, but when he said that he was miserable because of me and that he doesn't love me, he knew it would kill me. He knew that no one, can ever hurt me with just words, except him. I can take it when my parents hate me and call me bad names but when it's Alvin, it just breaks me to pieces. And he knew that. But still, he chose to do it. At that time, I felt like dying inside. The thought of it would forever haunt me; would forever hurt me; would forever pain me.

That time, it bothered me knowing that this guy who hurt me, this guy who cursed me, wasn't the God-fearing Christian that I met. He wasn't the Alvin that I loved. I was downright shocked at what he said and did to me. But what's so stupidly insane about it, is that for the first time ever, even if he's the only person who has hurt me this much, I still couldn't get mad at him. There's no hatred building up in me. After all the pain I've been through just to get him back, just so he can forgive me, I accepted every treatment he gave me. Every bitter spat, every hurtful words, every cold stare, tinanggap ko lahat. What he said, that he was miserable because of me, pained me more than anything else. It's not the fact that he has a new girlfriend now and they say that their relationship's been going on for almost 3 months already. I can bear anything and everything for him. But he hated me. And that's what hurts me the most. The guy I loved the most, hated me. He didn't let all the sadness and frustration go, instead, he let them get to him and now he's full of hatred for me. Last Monday, I messaged him and said "You may say na you were miserable when I was your girl, but during those times di mo sinabi yan. What hurts the most is that you've instilled in me na you were miserable during the time that I was loving you, na ngayon pa lang alam ko nang forever nang nasa puso ko yun at utak. Kahit alam ko nagkabagsak bagsak ka di lang naman dahil sakin eh, ginagawa ko naman ibang project and hw mo. Pero para sayo tinanggap ko na, lahat ng kamalasan at kamiserablehan sa buhay mo ako ang may kasalanan. I hope you're happy, what you said yesterday, would forever ruin me. All along I thought that I gave you the TRUEST, MOST HONEST, and DEEPEST love I can ever give. But for you, it made you miserable. I'm sorry because you'll never hear me say that I regret loving you." 

And that was true. Yung love ko for Alvin, that was the best love na kaya kong ibigay sa kahit na sino. I know it's silly to think about things like these, pero what happened to "Di kita iiwan." what happened to all those promises, just because nagtatampo ako he gave up on me. Just because I wanted his attention, he gave up. Just like that. And no matter how many mistakes I did, I always do my best to make it up to him. Sa mga sinabi niya, naniwala na ako. Na I was the worst girlfriend, the worst person in the world. For I made him miserable when I was actually making him feel my love. But at the end of the day, siya pa rin yung iniisip ko, his happiness and no matter how I try to hide it from my friends he's still the one I love. Despite being hurt, despite the fact that I was dying slowly, I can' take away this love. And kahit gano kasakit o kasama mga sinabi at sasabihin pa niya, alam ko namang tatanggapin ko pa rin. Okay lang sakin na hanggang ngayon, I'm still stuck, being awake in the middle of the night, crying and missing Alvin. Kasi kasalanan ko. Everything is my fault. That's why it's been instilled in my heart and mind, that I deserve this. If hurting me so much, would make him be satisfied, would make him feel avenged for the pain I've caused him, would make him happy, I will accept it. Di ako magrereklamo. Magsosorry lang ako palagi. Because I deserve this.

And to Alvin, there's no word that can express the love that I have for you. I'm sorry for giving you pain. I'm sorry if I didn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. I'm sorry for being not enough. I love you. Always have. Always will.